Signs

There has been so much loss lately.  Friends and family leaving us before we know it.  Adjusting to life without them has become a daily task.  But through the tears, the sadness comes little signs that say they're still with us, still loving us.  Its what consoles me.  Signs not just for me but for friends and family who loved him   He's still  letting them know how much he loved them.

It has been difficult to put my life  back in order since Ralph's passing.  I can sense him, I hear him...and occasionally I dream of him.  Its been an onslaught of nothing but tears.  In between the tears are the smiles and laughter of the small little nuances, signs that I know were my husband.

Its been less than two months but when you're alone in the house you shared, it can become a prison of sorts.  For months prior, my brother, Arnaldo, was by my side, picking me up taking me to his place so I could recuperate or taking me to lunch just so I could have a break. Now, he calls me throughout the day checking on me, loving me.  It was hard watching Ralph's health decline and not understanding.  In the end there was relief that he wouldn't be suffering anymore.  But that was it...everything: that he wasn't suffering anymore.

My daughters, call me, Face Time me and make it known they are more than present in my life.  And when I can no longer go  on, they lift me up one more time.  My friends have also  rallied around me.  I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for their love and their presence.

These friends and family members that have been so  present in my life know they have a permanent place in my heart...I say it now because we don't say "I love you" often enough, hear it enough, show it enough.

I also lost my best friend in December, too.  Dee Dee was my confidant.  The one I could tell everything to and not get judged.  And I told her everything.  The only person equally trusted was my husband.  So with their passing my security of who I am went out the window. I am trying to find my way back.

Days after Ralph passed away, Cynthia, my childhood friend since kindergarten, called with  news that John Edward would be in Corpus Christi on July 19.  She purchased VIP tickets for the both of us.  Cynthia, lost her son, Kevin, 21 years ago.  We share the same interest in John Edward and Teresa Caputo.  Cynthia has attended their events before.

As the days wore on waiting for July 19,  it seemed I was becoming more crippled, no direction, afraid of my own shadow and unable to explain anything that I was feeling.  As the date approached, I was convinced I wasn't going to make it.  I needed to travel to Corpus Christi and it had been years since I drove long distance and I have my fur baby, Peggy Sue, a Jack Russell, that hyperventilates anytime she is in the car.  Ralph always drove.  To make matters more difficult, my car was having its issues, too.

As the date got closer and closer, I felt that something was pushing me to break free.  I needed to make this trip for various reasons.  I decided to drive on Thursday, spend the night and the next day with Cyn.  I decided I would try to make it comfortable for Peggy Sue and purchased a seat belt harness.  Best purchase in a while.  It gave me the control to keep Peggy secure.

My brother made sure my car was OK.  Next day, I checked oil and transmission fluid, packed my bags and Peggy Sue and off we went.  It was a beautiful drive. So many changes.  Oh my gosh!  Checkpoint is huge!!!  And all the construction that had been happening on the route I was taking was completed.  Who knew?   I made it and I was not a total wreck!

Cyn was the best hostess...we talked and celebrated.

Friday would be the day we had been looking forward to.  Two years prior, I remember sending out to the universe that Cyn and I would get to see John Edward one day and we would have communication from Kevin, not knowing that my Ralph would no longer be with me.

Friday afternoon, we ventured out and visited Kevin's grave site.  We parked and as we walked towards the site, a swarm of dragonflies took flight, hundreds of them.  Cyn remarked how many there were all around us.  Cyn cleaned their beautiful family headstone and seat and we sat and talked to Kevin for a bit.  A small tree planted by Cyn and Tom provided a tiny shade and it was hot! In the silence, we were hopeful we would  hear something at the event.

As we drove off, I saw a grave site with the name John Edward and I remarked to Cyn, "Hey, look its John Edward on the headstone...what are the chances...?  And just around the corner, in the next section was Selena Quintanilla's grave site.  Cyn stopped and pulled over and I got to visit Selena!

So we readied for the event.  Somehow we didn't get the announcement that opening was at 5:30 pm, we arrived shortly after 6:00 pm thinking we were early and even though we had VIP tickets, its first come first serve.  So we sat in the front row, but off  to the side.  Everyone is hoping to make contact with family members that have made their transition and sitting in the front, well, you hope.  We are hopeful, too.

Well, the first contacts were amazing and equally amazing to watch John Edward do what he does best...communicate!  Alas, our family didn't command contact so we were left with the last thing on the agenda and that was picking five people to ask questions.  Cyn, was the last one picked.

Cyn's question was that she never dreams of Kevin and he doesn't speak to her in dreams while several family members have had that experience.  John Edwards explained that their communication doesn't always come the way we want it to.

" For instance", he said as he looked around at the audience, "Where are my penny people?"  About a dozen raised their hands.  "Where are my butterflies, feathers...?"  More raised their hand.
"Where are the red cardinals?...dragonflies, and the last, ladybugs?" 

He continued, there are the flashing lights, blinking lights, pennies, dimes, but they come to you, seen by you, experienced by you.  He said when his mother died when he was 19,  he kept asking her, "show  me you love me." "Show me you're thinking of me...etc."  "It can be exhausting." he said.  But make no mistake they are around you, watching over you, being a part of the love that surrounds you.

It was clear to me,  Kevin had communicated before the event.  And as John Edward explained to Cyn how they communicate there was a light, high up in the ceiling, on the opposite end of the venue blinking away.  As soon as he finished his answer, the blinking stopped.

While there are hundreds of skeptics abound, I know and have always known my family members have always been communicating with me as I'm sure some of  you, too, have had that experience.  Those are the secrets I share with my best friends.   That I am  different.  I know when someone lies and when they are devoid of love.   I do know when someone is leaving.  There are signs...always.  It still doesn't prepare you for the pain, the grief, nor the loneliness.  But if not immediately,  you will know, you are not alone.  They are with us always.

I completed my journey...to change direction.  I don't know where to but I know God will guide me.

On my return drive, a flashing light showed up on my dashboard between Chapman Ranch and  Kingsville. There was nothing to pull into.  I didn't want to stop off the freeway so I waited until I got to the corner of 77 and 285 in Rivera.  I pulled over to the side at a restaurant parking lot.  I got out my Owner's Manual and looked up the symbol.  It was the trans axle according to the book.  I called my brother, (my cousin Rene Corpus and David Davila were on standby just in case...) told him what was happening and he gave me the its going to be OK. (That's what Ralph always said to me.)  I put the book back in the glove compartment and as I looked up, I saw the corner garage where, Ralph, the girls and I had a radiator blow right at that corner some twenty-four years ago.  It was at that very moment that it was announced over the radio that Selena Quintanilla had been shot.  We were all in shock while still trying to maneuver our way in a hissing car.  We pulled into the drive way of the garage.  As we got off the car towards the Northeastern sky, towards Corpus Christi was a beautiful rainbow.  We were all in awe.  I knew Selena was no longer with us.  Ralph had gone inside to see about our car.  Then came the news the owner somehow had a radiator we needed.

It wasn't a coincidence I visited Selena's grave site on my visit.  Everything, EVERYTHING is connected.  It was on 285 back on July 9, 1977 at 2:00 am while traveling home to the Valley,  I made a wish upon a star.  I wished to meet someone that would love me just the way I am and not try to change me.  I met that man that very night, July 9th.  It was Ralph.  We dated for three months.Without going into detail I thought it wasn't going to happen so I did the "if you love them let them go".    It was a year and a half later...  Those memories are beautiful memories


My husband married a strong woman, I'd forgotten that.   I miss him so very much but I love him more.  Thanks babe for the love, the laughter, especially our girls,  your hugs and kisses and the roller coaster ride, I wouldn't have had it any other way.