May 24, 2022
RALPH F. GARZA
October 4, 1947 - May 24, 2019
I made it!!! For a while there I wasn't sure. The Pandemic, politics, and everyday challenges seemed to loom over my days. In the beginning, the first six months, I was able to get my life back together with the help of my family and friends. Enough to help me stand up and survive. I spent four months in Colorado with my daughters. I journaled, ate, slept, made snow angels, played with my fur grandbabies, took walks and somehow I managed to find a glimpse of who I am.
I say a glimpse because by the following year my PTSD had totally blown up. I reached out to my doctor and she found me a therapist and I began that year plus month's journey into the Rabbit Hole. Since then I'm not the only one walking in widow's shoes. Too many of my friends are walking with me, missing their life partners, the loves of their life. It saddens me because there is no way you can prepare for the absence of someone who IS the love of your life.
In the beginning it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me...no more wind for the sails that powered my body. I missed talking to him, accompanying him, his Ralphie stories...his touch. I tried, but going down that Rabbit Hole was too tempting. At least when I went into the Rabbit Hole I could feel my emotions but it became wallowing in my sorrow.
I know God definitely carried me in those days. God did what he does best. He guided me to everywhere I needed to go. I have to thank my therapist for showing me how to climb out of that hole. But I will be truthful, I occasionally still dive back in. Deep into the hole where I relived the pain, the loss, his smell, where I could see every inch of him as if he was right in front of me. I was looking for something, my someone.
Amidst all of this I found I was trying to find me...not the old me, nor the young me, neither the hurting me...but the me that never gives up, that knows about death and is not afraid, that sees and hears the truth including the lies, with no judgement. Desperately trying so hard to remove my desire to join my sweet lover.
I realized it was too easy to forget about the journey and why I was in it. There were still many roads for me to choose from, many faces to befriend, responsibilities, and my children and grandchildren were also waiting for Abuelita to snap out of it. That day came when I got infected with Covid - the Omicron strain and I was reminded again why I wanted to live.
So here I am. It's May 24, 2022, Ralph's three year anniversary. I still see and hear that last day we said goodbye. I would like to know the secret to saying goodbye because as often as I have, I am still tempted to go down that Rabbit Hole.
Jigi, I love you and you know even though I am alone, I am not lonely. I still have so much love in my life through our beautiful daughters, our grandchildren, my brother, my sister, my wonderful, wonderful friends. God blesses me. Your memory is still so present but you know all these things. I'm going to ask you to help me. These last few days I've taken the steps to truly step up and step out. But I want to add an additional element to my efforts...only you know what that is. I will not be afraid. You and God know my heart. There is still so much love in my heart BECAUSE OF YOU.
I leave you with my three favorite songs... You know why..
(Note: These songs are by Asian artists. Except the first. I fell in love with their music. I don't know their language but the music and even the sounds of these unknown words heal my heart and my soul.)
