My New Routine...

Update!  We are right at the beginning of a pandemic.

Life is SOOO very different for me now.  Well, "La-di-da," you say.  You have no idea.  But here it is, almost 10 months since my "I got your back hubby" passed away.  He was my buffer from the world, people.  Let that sink in.  There is no more buffer!  No more tempering my emotions with, "Its going to be ok, babe."  Those days are over.  Its "you're on your own"...but looking around, looks like everyone is on their own.

Extra note:  That's sad because everyone needs to have someone that's always there for them.  For me, it was my husband, Ralph (also my best friend) and my best girl friend, Dee Dee.  They died  within five months of each other.  I am still reeling.  Some days more than others.  Unless you're partnered with someone, this is probably the worse time to be single (alone).  Thank God for friendships.

I will not rant and rave about politics and what got us here.  Regardless of what you think or thought it was, we are all in the same boat.

My whole purpose of writing today is to express how the mixture of fear, anxiety and adrenaline has manifested into my new routine.

I am currently without wheels.  My car is being worked on.  Not a good time when you consider that regardless of the time change (which I deplore) we are all on the same schedule now.   For some reason we are not completely shut down so there's plenty activity going on on the outside.

I normally shut down for Lent.  I like to take time to reflect, meditate, focus on where I've been and where I'm going.

This Lent is very different.

The obvious one...Ralph is not here.  There is semi chaos going on in the outside world.  I say semi because I'm just describing what I have witnessed via grocery shopping.  The other is just from reading because this year due to the Coronavirus (Covid19) pandemic most states and cities are shutting down.  I can still feel the chaos going on in politics.  Smh  So I decided very early to hunker down.  I have self quarantined. I began my provision shopping early and carefully.  I'm good, I think, until I discover, I am out of COFFEE!.(Not so good after all...)

I have some of the best neighbors and friends.  They will drop whatever when I'm in need.  They're just like Ralph (Reflection:  Wow! Still looking after me.).  Today was different.  Everyone was tied up.  I would have to venture out myself.  Finally, I found someone.  My brother-in-law would be my guide.  (If I sound like I'm on a reconnaissance activity, its because it felt like one.)

My routine now:

I chose not to bathe (I bathed last night.).  I dressed comfortably, no jewelry, no makeup, packed extra plastic gloves, grocery list, grocery bags and my lotto slips (I'm Texan).  Knobby honked the car horn and I checked for intruders through the cameras before I opened the garage door.  I rushed out and made sure the door shut securely.

First store:  H.E.B.  Its 1:30 p.m. and there's a line about 100 feet outside waiting to get in.  We go off to Walmart.  No line at Walmart but everyone is walking around suspiciously.  I begin to get nervous.  This is not my store.  I can't and don't know where anything is.  We split up and plan a rendezvous at the cash register.  The timing is perfect.  We check out.  We have made it out with no casualties.  Or have we?

The garage door is still  secure when we arrive.  I quickly get off enter the code and we quickly close the steel door behind us.  We split our groceries. As instructed, we wipe them clean.  I make sure my brother-in-law exits safely.  Time to get to work.

As the door closes, I spray the garage with Lysol.  I enter through the laundry room, remove all my clothes and place in the wash.  I start the wash, spray the laundry room and make a dash for the bathroom where a nice shower with hot running water will wash away the nervousness I arrived with and whatever corona bug I may have touched base with. (God forbid.)

I take a long hot shower, gargling hot water intermittently and scrub.  It felt so Soylent Green.

I dressed in my comfy bata. I feel better but weak and exhausted from the ordeal.  I  don't think I want to do this again, although, I remind myself I have a prescription that's going to be ready soon.

This, this on the edge anxiety is not for me.  I look around, Peggy Sue by my side, everything, for just an instant, is OK.  Then I realize...I'm out of Lysol!!

Signs

There has been so much loss lately.  Friends and family leaving us before we know it.  Adjusting to life without them has become a daily task.  But through the tears, the sadness comes little signs that say they're still with us, still loving us.  Its what consoles me.  Signs not just for me but for friends and family who loved him   He's still  letting them know how much he loved them.

It has been difficult to put my life  back in order since Ralph's passing.  I can sense him, I hear him...and occasionally I dream of him.  Its been an onslaught of nothing but tears.  In between the tears are the smiles and laughter of the small little nuances, signs that I know were my husband.

Its been less than two months but when you're alone in the house you shared, it can become a prison of sorts.  For months prior, my brother, Arnaldo, was by my side, picking me up taking me to his place so I could recuperate or taking me to lunch just so I could have a break. Now, he calls me throughout the day checking on me, loving me.  It was hard watching Ralph's health decline and not understanding.  In the end there was relief that he wouldn't be suffering anymore.  But that was it...everything: that he wasn't suffering anymore.

My daughters, call me, Face Time me and make it known they are more than present in my life.  And when I can no longer go  on, they lift me up one more time.  My friends have also  rallied around me.  I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for their love and their presence.

These friends and family members that have been so  present in my life know they have a permanent place in my heart...I say it now because we don't say "I love you" often enough, hear it enough, show it enough.

I also lost my best friend in December, too.  Dee Dee was my confidant.  The one I could tell everything to and not get judged.  And I told her everything.  The only person equally trusted was my husband.  So with their passing my security of who I am went out the window. I am trying to find my way back.

Days after Ralph passed away, Cynthia, my childhood friend since kindergarten, called with  news that John Edward would be in Corpus Christi on July 19.  She purchased VIP tickets for the both of us.  Cynthia, lost her son, Kevin, 21 years ago.  We share the same interest in John Edward and Teresa Caputo.  Cynthia has attended their events before.

As the days wore on waiting for July 19,  it seemed I was becoming more crippled, no direction, afraid of my own shadow and unable to explain anything that I was feeling.  As the date approached, I was convinced I wasn't going to make it.  I needed to travel to Corpus Christi and it had been years since I drove long distance and I have my fur baby, Peggy Sue, a Jack Russell, that hyperventilates anytime she is in the car.  Ralph always drove.  To make matters more difficult, my car was having its issues, too.

As the date got closer and closer, I felt that something was pushing me to break free.  I needed to make this trip for various reasons.  I decided to drive on Thursday, spend the night and the next day with Cyn.  I decided I would try to make it comfortable for Peggy Sue and purchased a seat belt harness.  Best purchase in a while.  It gave me the control to keep Peggy secure.

My brother made sure my car was OK.  Next day, I checked oil and transmission fluid, packed my bags and Peggy Sue and off we went.  It was a beautiful drive. So many changes.  Oh my gosh!  Checkpoint is huge!!!  And all the construction that had been happening on the route I was taking was completed.  Who knew?   I made it and I was not a total wreck!

Cyn was the best hostess...we talked and celebrated.

Friday would be the day we had been looking forward to.  Two years prior, I remember sending out to the universe that Cyn and I would get to see John Edward one day and we would have communication from Kevin, not knowing that my Ralph would no longer be with me.

Friday afternoon, we ventured out and visited Kevin's grave site.  We parked and as we walked towards the site, a swarm of dragonflies took flight, hundreds of them.  Cyn remarked how many there were all around us.  Cyn cleaned their beautiful family headstone and seat and we sat and talked to Kevin for a bit.  A small tree planted by Cyn and Tom provided a tiny shade and it was hot! In the silence, we were hopeful we would  hear something at the event.

As we drove off, I saw a grave site with the name John Edward and I remarked to Cyn, "Hey, look its John Edward on the headstone...what are the chances...?  And just around the corner, in the next section was Selena Quintanilla's grave site.  Cyn stopped and pulled over and I got to visit Selena!

So we readied for the event.  Somehow we didn't get the announcement that opening was at 5:30 pm, we arrived shortly after 6:00 pm thinking we were early and even though we had VIP tickets, its first come first serve.  So we sat in the front row, but off  to the side.  Everyone is hoping to make contact with family members that have made their transition and sitting in the front, well, you hope.  We are hopeful, too.

Well, the first contacts were amazing and equally amazing to watch John Edward do what he does best...communicate!  Alas, our family didn't command contact so we were left with the last thing on the agenda and that was picking five people to ask questions.  Cyn, was the last one picked.

Cyn's question was that she never dreams of Kevin and he doesn't speak to her in dreams while several family members have had that experience.  John Edwards explained that their communication doesn't always come the way we want it to.

" For instance", he said as he looked around at the audience, "Where are my penny people?"  About a dozen raised their hands.  "Where are my butterflies, feathers...?"  More raised their hand.
"Where are the red cardinals?...dragonflies, and the last, ladybugs?" 

He continued, there are the flashing lights, blinking lights, pennies, dimes, but they come to you, seen by you, experienced by you.  He said when his mother died when he was 19,  he kept asking her, "show  me you love me." "Show me you're thinking of me...etc."  "It can be exhausting." he said.  But make no mistake they are around you, watching over you, being a part of the love that surrounds you.

It was clear to me,  Kevin had communicated before the event.  And as John Edward explained to Cyn how they communicate there was a light, high up in the ceiling, on the opposite end of the venue blinking away.  As soon as he finished his answer, the blinking stopped.

While there are hundreds of skeptics abound, I know and have always known my family members have always been communicating with me as I'm sure some of  you, too, have had that experience.  Those are the secrets I share with my best friends.   That I am  different.  I know when someone lies and when they are devoid of love.   I do know when someone is leaving.  There are signs...always.  It still doesn't prepare you for the pain, the grief, nor the loneliness.  But if not immediately,  you will know, you are not alone.  They are with us always.

I completed my journey...to change direction.  I don't know where to but I know God will guide me.

On my return drive, a flashing light showed up on my dashboard between Chapman Ranch and  Kingsville. There was nothing to pull into.  I didn't want to stop off the freeway so I waited until I got to the corner of 77 and 285 in Rivera.  I pulled over to the side at a restaurant parking lot.  I got out my Owner's Manual and looked up the symbol.  It was the trans axle according to the book.  I called my brother, (my cousin Rene Corpus and David Davila were on standby just in case...) told him what was happening and he gave me the its going to be OK. (That's what Ralph always said to me.)  I put the book back in the glove compartment and as I looked up, I saw the corner garage where, Ralph, the girls and I had a radiator blow right at that corner some twenty-four years ago.  It was at that very moment that it was announced over the radio that Selena Quintanilla had been shot.  We were all in shock while still trying to maneuver our way in a hissing car.  We pulled into the drive way of the garage.  As we got off the car towards the Northeastern sky, towards Corpus Christi was a beautiful rainbow.  We were all in awe.  I knew Selena was no longer with us.  Ralph had gone inside to see about our car.  Then came the news the owner somehow had a radiator we needed.

It wasn't a coincidence I visited Selena's grave site on my visit.  Everything, EVERYTHING is connected.  It was on 285 back on July 9, 1977 at 2:00 am while traveling home to the Valley,  I made a wish upon a star.  I wished to meet someone that would love me just the way I am and not try to change me.  I met that man that very night, July 9th.  It was Ralph.  We dated for three months.Without going into detail I thought it wasn't going to happen so I did the "if you love them let them go".    It was a year and a half later...  Those memories are beautiful memories


My husband married a strong woman, I'd forgotten that.   I miss him so very much but I love him more.  Thanks babe for the love, the laughter, especially our girls,  your hugs and kisses and the roller coaster ride, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Life in the mountains...of South Fork, Colorado

One of the things I do, and I'm missing, is going for my walks.  Back home, I usually walk the Bicentennial Trail everyday or if the weather is not cooperating I use my treadmill.  Unfortunately, I have no treadmill and walking, well...the hills are alive!

When I first arrived my daughters tried to make sure I was able to do some walking so we drove to Alamosa, Colorado and I walked at the nearby park.  Alamosa is 47 miles away from South Fork where I'm at.  Unless we had a trip to buy groceries at the local Walmart, walks in the park were nil.  So the next suggestion was actually walking in the hills surrounding our home.  (There are hills but they look like mountains to me!)  I have to say walking on snow is different.  The crunch, crunch of my footsteps, avoiding ice, struggling to breath and catch my breath while going up a hill, and the constant thirst, is a lot to get used to.

So we tried walking at home.  The first time I attempted to walk on the roads, I made it up the closest hill but the breathing was more than I could deal with.  We are 8300 feet above sea level.  Air is thin so it takes your body a while to get used to it.  Mind you, my room is on the bottom floor.  I have to climb stairs everyday to join everyone.  I'm thinking the stair climbing is helping but I still get out of breath.

Luckily, Adri, my daughter got an exercise bike for Christmas so I managed to do 35 minutes and still felt pretty good.  So I decided to join both my daughters on their morning walk.  So this is what happened.

At first I felt pretty good...then the first incline and boy was I out of breath...but I persevered.

Once I made it over the hill...there was another hill.  I made it, but decided I had gone far enough.  I told my daughters to go ahead but I was returning back home...I assured them I would be fine.  They walk three miles, about an hour and a half walk.   So I took pictures on my way back...

The first photo is where I'm coming down the hills again.  The second are the mountains in front of me.  (I just turned around and took a selfie so you could see the mountains.



These are the mountains in front of me as I'm walking home.  They are so majestic!  My phone just doesn't capture the majesty of the mountains, nor the peacefulness, the sparkling whiteness of the snow...I am in awe!

The house seems so far away.  Mountains to the West.

Mountains on the left side of the road.

I'm getting closer as the road curves downhill.

The town is just below the white strip beneath the mountains.

Our neighbors east of us.

Just past our neighbors on the right..

 And I'm walking...

and walking...

And I arrive at the driveway to our home..

This is where we live! 

Can you see the deer footprints in the snow?  Sometimes there's a tiny herd of about
 seven to eight deer that come into the "yard". The window on the right is my
bedroom.  There's about three feet of snow outside my window.

See the icicles?  They can get as long as three feet.  They look like long
cylinders filled with liquid silver.  When the sun shines, they sparkle so beautifully.  But
don't stand under the edge of the house...snow melts and when it melts enough, huge blocks of
snow slide off the roof.  There's a constant crash going on outside.  Took a little getting used to.

We lived in Aurora, Colorado back in 1980-1983.  Diana, my oldest, was born in Englewood, Colorado at the Swedish Medical Hospital.  It was the first snow of the season on the day Diana was born.  For years I could tell Colorado was in her blood.  She traveled and lived in lots of states...but Colorado was definitely in her heart.  She invited Adri and Joe to visit and the rest is history.  We have two families living in Colorado now.  Ralph and I are so proud of our daughters.  It was on our bucket list to go back to Colorado one day.  So here I am, minus my darling, living the dream we had hoped for.  I try to capture as much of the beauty and share it with him everyday.  We made it, sweetheart!